Relationship Grows and How To Complement Someone. The Best Way Verses The Usual Way.
July 28, 2019
#3
Gentle reader,
I start each chapter with links to the previous ones so that you may get caught up. Here they are in chronological order:
To avoid confusion, I start each chapter with pictures of Nancy over the years and tell you how our relationship progressed. Interspersed with pictures. Then, I change tack and talk about how I have learned about relationships and dating and things like that. OK?
One thing Nancy and I had to do was gradually introduce our respective kids to each of us and to each other. The photo above was from a visit to a large outdoor playground in Maryland.
Nancy was cautious as she should have been. Yes, I'd been a gentleman so far, but how much did we really know about each other?
Another tree-hugger photo of her and one of my favorites. I had not yet learned about technical things like fill-flash.
As it turns out the every-other-weekend schedule that the kids spent with our respective ex-s coincided. This allowed us to freely spend a whole weekend together, have a breather work week and then, eventually bring the kids into the picture.
Since her girls had seen some of the unnatural ways their dad was acting towards mom and witnessed Nancy's grief and anger during the bitter divorce, she wanted to wait until she felt the girls were ready to meet me.
In my case, my kids had already experienced both women named Lisa, met and played with their kids. So were used to dad having new female people in his life.
Taken at a park on the Potomac River we liked to visit. A bit out of focus. Let's call it "soft focus". Yeah, that's the ticket!
We decided to take them all to a place called Leaps and Bounds. They were all still young enough to enjoy climbing all over and through the various structures and tubes the place contained. Reduced to human sized hamsters, they were.
It did not take long for all six of them to warm to each other. My oldest are six to eight years older than Nancy's girls, but still had fun.
We, at one point, were seated on a bench keep each other company and smooching. Then we heard a noise, looked up and my youngest was pointing at us, having seen us kiss. He was smiling.
Another one of my favorite photos of Nancy. She was just leaning on her car and day dreaming. Gorgeous.
NOW, to the subject matter of this, the third chapter in my Pictures of Nancy/Learning about Relationships story.
I will be covering quite a bit. So please keep reading, I promise you will be glad you did.
How many times have you seen someone that you were instantly attracted to but you didn't know how to approach them?
One thing to remember is this: MOST people are nice. Yes, there are jerks of both sexes who may blow you off or say something rude should you get up the nerve to approach. BUT, chances are that will never happen. Let's face it, if someone is NOT in a relationship, they are likely to visit places alone. That's your first clue that it is OK to approach them.
I'll tell you a true story: I was working part time at the Pizza Hut in the county our marital home was, before and during the separation.
One particular family always requested that I deliver them their pizzas, and only me. This of course resulted in kidding by my fellow drivers. Turns out, their pre-teen daughter Erin had gotten a look at me and started the whole thing, begging mom and dad to request that I deliver, unbeknownst to me.
Naturally, her dad is like, "Who is this Scott and how do you know him?" So HE met me at the door the next time.
He questioned me, which puzzled me and I told him I had no idea why his family always requested me. I pointed out that I too had kids, some of whom who probably attended school with his kids. (They did live further down the same road). Like a switch had flipped in his brain, he smiled and invited me in, picking up the .22 rifle he'd had by the door.
So, I met his whole family then and as long as I continued to work at that Pizza Hut, I delivered exclusively to them.
Erin, it turned out, was Junior Miss Virginia and a model. Decades later, Nancy and I were watching a new comedy series and I saw a young woman playing a teller at the drive-through bank. She new the main character in the series before he went off to college. "I turned to Nancy, 'I don't know who she is, but I like her!" Next week, as the show started, "Erin ______" was shown in the opening titles. "NO way!" I said, "That can NOT be the same girl!" I filled Nancy in on the story above. "Well, why don't you look her up?" And I did. Yep, same girl. I wrote a letter to her via the TV network. I showed it to Nancy before mailing it so that she knew I was simply saying "Hello, do you remember me?" I mailed it and a few weeks later received an e-mail from Erin. She did remember me and showed the letter to her mother who also did. Pretty cool.
"Where is all this going?" you may be thinking. I shall tell you. Please keep reading.
One day, a stunningly beautiful girl began working as a waitress at the Pizza Hut and no one seemed to want to talk with her. This went on day after day. It puzzled me.
So, I approached her one slow night as she sat alone in one of the booths. I introduced myself. It turns out that also at school, she was usually alone. Odd as she was very nice. I thought about it then said,
"I have read that sometimes really attractive people are lonely and do not have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Is that true with you?"
"Yes, how did you know?"
"Let me give you the guy's perspective on this. When we insecure males see someone who is beautiful, and you are beyond that, we immediately think one or all of the following: She would never talk to me. She must have a boyfriend. She would never be interested in me. She would tell me to get lost. Etc."
"Well, I don't have a boyfriend and most of the girls don't want anything to do with me either." She said, somewhat bitterly.
"I suspect that some of the girls might feel awed or intimidated by you, or feel that no guy would pay any attention to them if they were hanging out with you. Feeling that they might be overlooked standing next by you."
"Hmm, I didn't think of that. But I can't control what I look like! No one can."
"This is very true. I will pass on that you don't have a boyfriend to the single guys here, but I also have an idea."
"I know a girl, younger than you, who is a model. How about if I take your name and number and pass it on to her mother. Maybe she can help you get into modeling."
"You would do that for me?"
"Absolutely." And I did. sure enough, Erin's mother called this girl and talked with her mother and the four got together. She introduced them to the photographer that shot Erin's portfolio and sure enough, she too started a modeling career.
She brought in photos of a bikini shoot Erin and she had done. "Yikes!", I thought. "I have one request of you."
"What is it?"
"When you accept your first Oscar or Emmy, please tell the world that you wouldn't be there if a man named Scott hadn't befriended you and introduced you to someone that set you on the road to fame."
"I promise you that I will. Thank you SO much!" She gave me a tight squeeze hug and that's the last time I saw her. I do not remember her name or if she did get famous. But I feel that by simply talking with her, my words helped.
THE point I am making, if not clear already, is that the vast majority of people really DO want to meet you and get to know you. They may be just as nervous as you are.
WE are all insecure and afraid when facing the seemingly impossible task of walking up to an attractive stranger and introducing ourselves.
I was, as I have told you in earlier chapters, shy when growing up. Not only have I made a 180 degree turn from that way of thinking, but I can and do make conversation with total strangers. All the time. Cashiers, fellow travelers on a flight, nurses, doctors, someone in line ahead of me. And more. NOT ONE has ever rebuffed my approach. NOT. ONE.
Think about this: Whomever you see that gets you thinking and wishing, "If, only they....." That person may very well be thinking the exact same thoughts looking at you.
I missed SO many obvious opportunities to met and get together with this girl or that, because I was too shy to approach them. What did that unreasonable fear get me? Nothing.
For example, when I was a junior and senior in high school, I attended in the afternoons, the tech school in the center of the city. Kids rode school buses from their respective schools every day to attend there.
There was this little red haired girl that stared at me every break time just as I stared at her. TWO years we stared at each other. And I did nothing.
I am no Brad Pitt, but I look at photos of me when I was a kid and later and admit, OK, I was good looking, but never considered myself as such then. It always surprised me when one or more females approached me trying to strike up a conversation. One time, in college English class, the girl in front of me and the one behind were literally fighting over me. Me!
NOW that I have helped you get your nerve up, what will you say? In the title of this article, I said that I would teach you how to compliment someone. Here goes.
If you are attracted to a female, don't say, "Oh, what a pretty dress!" They will respond, but you complimented the dress designer, not her. Say, "That dress looks so pretty on you." The emphasis is on HER. Or, "That outfit is stunning on you!" Things like that. Believe me, it works.
Since I've never been attracted to a male, I will wing this next part. "Wow, that is some sharp suit (substitute clothing object(s)." NOPE. Say, "That suit/shirt/whatever looks fantastic on you. Do you work out, or do you have the kind of body clothes always look great on?" THAT will get you a smile and now that you've opened the door....
"Yes, now that I've opened the door, what do I say?" Ask the person whose attention you now have, "So, what do you like to do when you're not working?" Many people will ask what a person does for a living, that's too typical. You don't want to work with them. You want to get to know them. "Did you grow up around here, or are you a transplant?""Do you have any hobbies?" "What kinds of music do you like?" And so forth.
It is far to easy for us to talk about ourselves. The key is to get THEM talking. And pay attention. Don't sit there thinking of something to say back to them. Trust me, the conversations will flow. Remember, they are likely just as nervous as you are. If you let your mind wander while they are answering your question what will happen later if something comes up and they remind you they told you about.....when we first met? Oops, I wasn't paying attention? Not good.
One thing I have always believed in: DO NOT sleep with someone you just met. I made that mistake one time as an adult. Doing so ruins the fun of getting to know someone. Once you've seen them naked, the mystery is gone. Take your time. Honor them with dignity and they will return it.
You are out to make a new FRIEND. Treat them with kindness and respect and they will do the same to you. Sure, there are many folks out there just looking to get laid. How sad and lonely that is. They are not likely someone you really want to know.
As I have pointed out previously, Nancy and I were both in relationships when we met. We became friends long before intimacy entered the picture. When it finally did, it was so tender and awesome at the same time.
As far as I'm concerned, one cannot have too many friends. I'm talking about REAL friends, not Facebook friends.
Not only are we still friends, we are each other's BEST friend. There is NO one I'd rather spend time with than Nancy and she feels the same way I towards me.
Wouldn't you like to have that in your life? It starts with your making the move to approach whomever has your attention. They are likely also looking for a friend too.
Next chapter, I'll introduce you to some more excellent books that helped us to grow our relationship into the incredible lifelong bond it is now and forever.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and enjoy my photos of Nancy. She is not only attractive, but she's one in a billion.
Scott
July 28, 2019
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